it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He better not be in your backpack
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
