And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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