my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
