First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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