I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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