smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize