if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Randomize
