Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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