I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
