Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
