i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Your penis caused this!
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