Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Dignity is for republicans.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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