hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
