i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
