DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize