it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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