look no pants
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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