This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize