What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize