My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
