so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
