The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
there was a trapeze. enough said
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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