My Higher Power is John Stamos
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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