My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
