Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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