i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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