Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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