Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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