I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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