talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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