YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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