Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
