Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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