i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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