Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
