Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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