she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
