you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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