I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He literally asked permission to hit on me
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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