Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
