I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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