I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
