K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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