omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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