I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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