I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
