There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
