I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
