if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize