Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
