CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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