I'm sorry my penis didn't work
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
FUCK WHALES
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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