I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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