I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm really busy with my period
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize