I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
