our cab driver is having phone sex.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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