I just gift wrapped bread.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
