Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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