You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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