Are we in a gay sports bar?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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