I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
