his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
