We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
