now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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