I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize