She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
