worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
