Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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