I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
