my mouth tastes like poor choices
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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