he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
