4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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